dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
