I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
