I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
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I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
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No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize