Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
