I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
