Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
