I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
