Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
