Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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