I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
