if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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