Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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