so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
