i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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