My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
