Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
