I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
