new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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