I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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