I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
where are you?
Hypothermia
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
