Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
