That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
