I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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