we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
