You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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