im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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