the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
