So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked