she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Randomize
