I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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