my being single is dangerous.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
