Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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