you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
