I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
