Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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