there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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