my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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