Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
