i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
