dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
