Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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