Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
