Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
