She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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