girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
