My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
