Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize