I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
