I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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