I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
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