The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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