Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
