I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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