It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
