He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Randomize
