so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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