hotel room ftw
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
PANTIES FOUND
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