the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
