i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
